Capturing Male Mental Health with Artwork:
"Internal Torment"
by Kiki Piper
Published Nover 19, 2024
Hello!! I just published a brand-new website and with that have expanded to adding a blog, including in-depth details about my inspirations and the process behind some of my favorite art pieces. I thought this piece, "Internal Torment", was most worthy to be my first artwork spotlight. Read below to learn more about my personal experience with this piece as I attempted to capture male mental health with artwork.
It was the night of the "M, is for Menopause, Baby" art reception, hosted by Drinking Gourd Gallery, at the beautiful Rocky Mount Mills in North Carolina. How exciting it was to meet so many new artists who had come together to showcase work to support the awareness of menopause. As the night went on, bouncing from one light conversation to another, I could not help but notice that collectively many of the artists were excited to get started on the next exhibition and that the topic of mental health was a common theme of what that exhibition may look like. As a co-curator of the exhibition we were currently standing in, it felt like an obligation to share with Carol Torian, the leading curator, the interests of others. After a few brainstorming sessions over the following weeks, it was settled that we would put on an exhibition late next spring that focused on male mental health as it really is a taboo subject in our nation and we were still running on the energy from knocking down stereotypes for menopause.
There really was no time to take a break between taking down the current exhibition and getting the materials ready for the next. We were exhausted but never-the-less we needed to get a proposal together for investors and sponsorships, create a call-for-art flyer, secure a location, update a web page, all to be branded with a custom theme. Though the marketing and branding was my strength, and I could usually whip up something rather quickly, after spinning my wheels for another two weeks, I realized I was in burnout and had to step back and focus on my own mental health. I ended up taking myself completely out of the curating role and would only participate if I had enough the time and energy. I had 4 paintings in the last exhibition but would be lucky enough to get just one submitted this time.
Everyone was so excited about this theme, but when it came time for me to sit down at the easel, I was at a blank. Here, I was grappling with my own mental health and had to put that aside to focus on male mental health. That sounds awfully self-centered as I write that out but if you have ever dealt with responsibilities while try to rebalance your mental health, you'll know that I was in survival mode. How could I take on anymore emotions when I had no energy left to give? I had to lean on my boyfriend for a starting point. I remember during a couple's counseling session, our therapist, talking about how men often suppress their emotions. He described it as a big pit of empty that you keep stuffing emotions into rather than embracing or what he encouraged us to practice, letting go. Eventually, the hole gets stuffed so full you can barely identify with the person you used to be. This has stuck with me for many years, and when I brought it back up again, my boyfriend agreed that there is significant amount of pressure on men to hide their emotions and pushed them down so that they continue to appear strong and capable. That breaks my heart.
Now, I didn't want to paint a black hole with stuffed with emotions - I don't think I had the right energy at the time to even do something that abstract. I wanted to capture that feeling, however, of pain that comes from suppressing and masking your emotions over a long period of time. The feeling of losing oneself to the internal demons, constantly tormenting and draining your life force, unless the act of letting go is taken. I can't even fathom the number of men who are walking around, living day to day, feeling just like this.
To depict these feelings through "Internal Torment", there are very specific elements used in the composition to emphasize the physical and emotional turmoil. The man's physical gesture of clutching his chest symbolizes the internal struggles and emotional pain that many men experience but often keep hidden from the world while, the ghostly figure hovering over the man's shoulders represents the weight of societal expectations and norms that men often carry. The act of being unable to fully express oneself can eventually lead to a loss of identity, as depicted by the fading contours of the man's figure into the ghostly demon that seeps everything he is. The painting is created using a monochromatic palette and shades of gray to emphasize how entwined and controlled we can become without emotions if we do not let the go with love and forgiveness for ourselves. There is a hint of blue highlighting some parts of the painting as a reminder of the colorful life that once was but is just about gone.
About halfway upon completion is when I began to feel deep into my own suppressed feelings and transmute my personal experiences into the painting. We all can feel this way; it is not exclusive to any gender. The next few sessions were overwhelming, and I often found myself ugly crying in front of the canvas. I needed this. It was as if I had been resisting and suppressing the painting up until this point and finally let go. Once I started adding the layer of paint, I felt a healing of some sorts, a calming experience. The painting became a playground of curiosity and joy. One of my favorite parts to paint are the hands, which many have noted are the most striking parts. With the start contrast, I had to focus on the highlights but still make the hands recognizable. Adding hyper-realistic details in some areas also helped create even more shadowy contrast and also a three-dimensional illusion when standing at a certain angle.
I believe that this painting was one of my most successful pieces to date. Still struggling with mental health, I did not end attend the opening reception for the exhibition, though I wish I had. Many people had commented at how profoundly touched they were with this piece. I was fortunate to attend another opening reception where it was held at a local library in downtown Raleigh and met an artist who specifically came to hear me speak after seeing it on display. It was that moment that I realized how important it is for me to use my own struggles and emotions to transmute them into artwork that can touch deep into the souls of others. I encouraged that artist to take part in the next exhibition being held by the curator - I hope he does. It was an affirmation that my art does inspire others and that it is my missions to untap whatever creativity is hiding in each and every one of us.
For now, I have some other ideas floating around with the same eerie style and feeling. Perhaps it will become a future series.
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